Agents of SHIELD: Rise of Deadpool
by Knight of Tabitha
Summary: Hey folks! Deadpool here if you are tired of the wannabes and pretenders and want to see a real hero check out this Fanfic written by one of the worst writers ever! Hey wait what? I'm not allowed to say that? Anyway I'm off to save Fitz from a living hell and more importantly party in Vegas! Oh yeah by the way spoiler alert- Hey don't cut me off! Anyway there's going to be-
1. IntroductionPrologue

So let's talk about this whole super hero thing. It sucks let's be honest I mean you bust your ass off wear a tight outfit that let's be honest doesn't let the boys or girls depending on you gender breathe. You put your life on the line and end up fucking screwed over if just one little thing goes wrong. Now listen some of you may know me as Grant Ward oh but oh you don't even know the whole story and trust me it's a page turner.

I want you to imagine being a regular mercenary that kills whoever is unlucky enough to okay you get the idea one day after going straight to set a better example for your kids you get diagnosed with cancer and nothing fucking works… okay wait, hold on got to check on something. You can't see it but I'm currently checking the cupboards and every nook and cranny you can imagine why you ask? Because I keep fucking expecting Captain Shit Lord to throw his SHIELD (see what I did there?) while screaming language! If you've seen the HISHE (that stands for How It Should Have Ended) for my Fox movie where yours truly is played by Ryan Reynolds you know why I am constantly looking over my shoulder.

Anyway yeah I'm Grant Ward and well not really before I was Grant Ward I was Wade Wilson before that I was in car wreck with my family as a child. I don't remember much besides getting into argument with my older sister. I think her name was Jessie you know what doesn't matter all I know after that is I suffered brain damage couldn't remember much and ended up being raised in a top secret facility where I was trained to be a killer we had a game we like to play involving who would die in training called it... a deadpool. Ultimately I escaped and became a mercenary.

Here let me give the cliff notes I was part of the winter Soldier Program along with Bucky signed up because a mother fucking ass hole! Fucking! Ugh! Sorry real touchy subject but anyway… I got stabbed in the back by the head of the program John Mother Fucking Garrette. He and a purple suit wearing man child Zebediah (I know I know his first name is Kevin in this universe but trust me this will make sense eventually I think) okay look the writer is making this shit up as he goes let's not judge him to harshly.

Any who Purple Man or whatever wanted information on some shitty parents of his and well if you've seen Jessica Jones on Netflix you know how that ended. Hey wait Jessica Jones why is that name so familiar?

Oh who cares long story short Zebediah (okay I can't hold it back his full birth name is Zebediah Kevin Thomson! Ha! Ha! Can you believe that? I got that out of a former goon of his he, he also… Ha! Ha! He also got Kilgrave from a video he liked playing as kid) made me kill my wife and kids then John Garrette used his evil science to wipe my memories thus was born his teachers pet (is that how you say it?) Grant Ward! Now you're probably wondering why? Well Garrette didn't want any loose ends… also super villains tend to be ass holes so yeah…

Any way they wanted a better Winter Soldier one programmed with the desire to be Hydra's poster boy. See where this is going? They wanted one that could regenerate and when they thought they failed they fucked up my life and put me to work any way bottom line I'm the best soldier they ever made and yet they only wanted me to be some slug's meat suit.

Little did they know their little regeneration experiment worked. After a long while after I died but yeah it worked. I regenerated from some pieces of flesh that got blown off of Hive. Far out right? When I reformed I looked hideous and I had to deal with my real memories flooding back which was a barrel of fun (note sarcastic tone) yep fun! Fun! Fun!

On to happier subjects everyone I want dead is well dead except for Zebediah who somehow got a healing factor after making his powers stronger he's been raising all sorts of hell in the criminal underworld of New York. Which brings me to what I'll be doing killing that British man child! Who probably has the world's tiniest penis! Also I got a job as a mercenary again and have a new girlfriend she's… drum roll please… the Scarlet Witch!

I mean yes she doesn't know she's my girlfriend yet but she will be! I mean you have to be optimistic in this line of work. Granted I've taken some photos without her consent or knowledge but! I have hope she'll warm up to me. In this story you'll find important answers to some BIG questions like! Who is that weird old guy that keeps popping up in the movies and in Season 1 of the show? What happened to the rest of the team? Did the old team lose their funny bone for good and can the real hero get it back or will they be doomed to forever be humorless schmucks with sticks up, their asses? Will justice triumph? Will Deadpool join the Avengers before Quake forever proving that boys rule and girls drool? Will this obscenely long rambling ever end so you the reader can finally continue on to the story well I don't know!

Okay how do you end these things? Seriously this is like my first time do this prologue or introduction thing. Um not really sure what I'm supposed to say I guess I should spill some secrets okay first May you know her badass Asian chick okay don't tell her I said this but she likes cuddling and spooning. Okay let's see what else do I know you might like, okay Coulson has a secret My Little Pony collection that he only ever showed me, and as for Skye or Daisy okay you guys get ready she is a hard core Fifty Shades of Grey fan she confided in me fantasizes about

Okay Deadpool that's enough! I'm supposed to be narrating and now you have me writing in this font so we don't confuse the readers!

"Okay chill man. Hey! What is this shit? I'm not done with the prologue!"

Deadpool I think it would be best if you let me take over narration. Besides I think the readers…

"My words will not be contained!"

Okay I think that's its best if for now we skip to the featured scheduled content everyone please enjoy.


	2. Chapter 1

Deadpool laid on top of a building watching the stars he couldn't believe the turn his life had taken. Only a few years ago he'd been a simple mercenary with a wife and kids then "Hey writer I'm pretty they already know this part."

Deadpool! I'm trying to give them backstory.

"Okay how about I give them the backstory? Assuming I'm remembering this right I had a wife a kid or two was a retired mercenary. Then I got diagnosed with cancer and Hydra offered me a cure then my life went to shit because Kilgrave used his powers to make me kill my family and then I arguably went bat shit crazy. Also I think I implied I'm Jessica Jones younger brother." Deadpool then turned to face the reader "Oh really like they can see me! Fine I'm turning and I'm supposed to say…" Deadpool looked at a piece of paper that detailed what he was supposed to say "wow really? You really are original okay guys here I go. Spoiler Alert. That is about the Jessica Jones thing in case you were wondering."

Any way back to the story Deadpool since regenerating from a single cell after said cell had been blown off of Hive had been going through an understandable identity crisis his real memories started pushing through to the surface and he went even more crazy. He spent a good while reinventing himself and finally became well you get it by now I'm sure.

Now Deadpool was in England on a job which he had just completed but he'd come across some troubling news "Fitz how could you do it…" He muttered depressed.

Deadpool for obvious reasons was depressed he was out of work because the mercenary season as he called it was over. On top of that he'd been Facebook stalking his old team members and felt lonely. However, his concern for Fitz outweighed his loneliness.

He took out his cell phone and checked Fitz's twitter. The team had various cover identities and used social media for well understandable cover reason Though for Deadpool they were very easy to find and what Fitz posted only a little bit ago truly troubled him. After climbing down onto the street he hailed a cab and got into the back seat.

"Where to my friend?" The Cabbie asked.

"To the airport amigo."

"So what are you up to?"

"Oh you know trying to find work. The only problem is nobody is really hiring right now you know they make my job seem glamorous in the movies but there is all this bull shit I got to put up with. Like last week I got hired by Hydra to take out Captain America and do you know happened? The guy who hired be gets fired and replaced and suddenly killing Cap isn't the top priority. So they sent someone to kill me! Can you believe that shit? The only reason I took the job is because the people in Hydra who fucked my life are dead but that is the problem with corporate jobs there is a constant change in management."

"Um… wow." The Driver honestly didn't know what to say. He pretty much felt Deadpool was insane.

"Well it's not something I can do about now. Right now I'm focusing on stopping this guy I use to be friends with from making the worst decision of his life. I am supper disappointed in him right now. Of all the impulsive decisions he goes and does this. Can you believe it?"

"What decision?"

"Sacrificing his balls to a she-devil."

"Wow really? What kind of woman is she?"

"Oh the worst kind! She strung him along for years! She never treated him right. I mean he is like a poor abused puppy dog. So I'm staging a mantervention slash bachelor party. The poor guy pined after her for ten fucking years! Do you know what it took for her to take him seriously? The two of them being dropped in the ocean and him getting brain damage just to save her and do you know what she did? The Bitch thanks him by leaving him! I mean yes I dropped them in the ocean I broke his body but she! She! She crushed his soul. Yet somehow I get all the blame I think if he wasn't such a bitch he'd have better luck getting respect from women. That's what this mantervention is about teaching him to act like a man and to see he deserves better than Jemma. Or at the least I hope to show her that she could easily lose him if she's not careful.

"Have you ever been in love? I've been in love three times. The first was my wife whose now dead. The first was a hot Asian named Skye though she traded that name in for something lame like Daisy. She tried to kill me! Right after I reunited her with her own dad can you believe that shit? I tell you women man! They are wired badly! Now the third love of my life was amazing! Her name was Kara also known as agent 33 we tried getting revenge for what happened to her you this bitch Bobbie sold her out to get into Hydra. So we decided to get even and you know I get it was a lousy thing to do but the bitch had it coming! She showed no remorse she never owned up to it! Really is the world a better place with someone that untrustworthy in it? Cause if she can sell out her fellow agent for a position in Hydra while claiming to be in service SHIELD I'd hate to be have her on my team. Yet somehow she takes a bullet in the shoulder and everything is magically forgiven. Really though between you and me bullet to the shoulder not that bad if it were serious she would have bled out in seconds never would have made it back to if you want my opinion I think they just wanted me dead because they were stuck up fucks. Also after regenerating from a cell blown off of my alien possessed corpse I remembered having my brain fucked up by John Garrette that was not fun. Oh for clarification he didn't actually fuck my brain."

At that moment Deadpool's head began searing with pain "Holy fucking shit you lousy Writer! You pick now to insert a scene like this!" Deadpool's mind was flooded with images of a jungle of serving with Christian and Thomas Ward as hired guns. The next thing he saw was himself going crazy on some villagers and Christian stopping him the next memory he had was of Christian screaming at him "You twist every act and blame it on somebody else and I did not squeeze the trigger when you killed all those people Wade!" It was so similar to when they were at the well. _Why again with the well? There's nothing real there! It was just fake memories given to the three of us!_ These were the thoughts that started ringing through his head. Finally he caught a glimpse of something a sign perhaps or a label of some kind it read: Weapon X Facility. The next memory he was strapped down to a table over hearing a conversation between John Garrette and Kilgrave.

"Hes going to be pissed if he remembers you know that right?"

Garrette just smirked "He's not that smart. Besides Wade won't remember he's Wade much longer."

The flashbacks kept coming until Deadpool finally passed out in the back of the cab. When Deadpool finally came to he saw the cab had stopped and the driver freaking out "Sir? Sir! Are you okay?"

"Uh… no I'm not the writer just fucking wasted my time and the readers by inserting that scene just to explain something that has already been pretty well established! What time is it?" Deadpool looked at his watch "Holy fucking shit!"

Mean While at the Air Port…

Leo Fitz waited patiently trying to get a cab but was having zero luck. He was so excited it had been forever since they had some alone time and soon they were going to get married. They weren't able to spend much time together sadly so they planned a special little vacation for before the wedding. Simmons didn't like the archaic notion of a bachelorette or bachelor party so she instead wanted to have a romantic getaway with Fitz. Finally, a cab that was driving way to wild showed up at first Fitz thought it would hit him. The Cab swerved and slid missing Fitz by inches.

"What the hell?"

"Sorry about that Sir. I was in a bit of a rush." The explained jesturing for Fitz to get into the back. Fitz couldn't really see the driver's face he had hoped to meet up with Jemma and made no plans for a cab so it was strange "Did Jemma send you?"

"Probably I just go where the boss tells me." Just so you know Deadpool was going purely on what he knew about cabs from playing Grand Theft Auto. The irony he was best friends with Mack and Hunter on Grand Theft Auto Online and other games and they had no idea who he was. Daisy was also in his guild on World of Warcraft. He often wondered how badly they'd freak out if they knew they were friends with him online.

Fitz shrugged off his distrust as paranoia and got in still he couldn't shake the feeling that the cab drivers voice was someone he knew. As soon as he did the doors locked and the cab sped off. "Fitz buddy! I haven't seen you in forever! How have you been?"

"Who are you?" Fitz screamed being thrown from one side of the car with each turn.

"What you don't recognize me? It's me! Grant Ward well my real name is Wade Wilson Hydra scrambled my brains and experimented on me after deeming me a failure they gave me the identity Grant Ward. Which was an alias I often, went by in the past when I did work for Hydra and posed as a SHIELD agent. I know this is a lot to absorb but-"

"Help!" Fitz screamed banging on the window "I'm being kidnapped!"

"Jeez Fitz! I'm trying to help you out here you are lucky I came when I did your making a mistake my friend."

"What are you talking about? Why are you kidnapping me?"

"Not kidnapping! I'm rescuing you Leo you deserve better than that bitch Jemma."

"Don't call her a-"

"I'm sorry Fitz but after everything she has done leaving you when you had brain damage, and fucking another man on another planet of course let's not forget the decade you spent pinning after her. You think she didn't know? Buddy trust me she knew you liked her and played with your heart strings that is how women are. So in closing not calling her a bitch would be disrespectful to you. Also if you get married where will you live? Will you live at SHIELD? What if she gets pregnant? Where will you raise the baby? I certainly hope not that place is certainly not a good environment to raise a child. I mean it gets attacked very frequently and SHIELD agents have a low life expectancy trust me I've done the research." Deadpool rambled on like the two were still friends like none of crap Wade did as Ward ever happened.

As you might imagine Fitz was scarred shitless "Ward, I mean Wade please stop this!"

"Nope sorry can't do that buddy we're going to Vegas!"

"Oh god I'm going to die! Please God don't let me die!"

"Fitz not going to lie you are such a whiner sometimes makes me glad that the drugs are starting to kick in. So fair warning I'm probably going to be as high as a kite. Holy crap the rainbow bridge! Do you see that Fitz? Oh my god there is Sif naked on a unicorn she's taking us to Asguard!"

"That's the freeway and you're on the wrong side of the road! Somebody help me!"


	3. Chapter 2

The Bus Many Years Earlier…

Ward kept thinking about the well from his childhood. Why was it always coming back to him in his mind? He kept thinking there was something important about the well that he had forgotten but every time he'd get close to remembering however he'd start thinking about Garrette and what he owed him but that only made him think about the well even more.

"What am I missing?" He asked himself.

"Hey Ward!" Fitz shouted walking down the stairs.

"What's going on Fitz?"

"We're taking a picture together outside come on join us! Your part of this team remember?" Fitz chuckled.

Ward smirked "Yeah I'll be right out there." He followed Fitz out of the plane then stopped something was happenng he was thinking to when he first met Garrett the prison? No that wasn't what he was seeing it was darker and the lighting was dim.

"So here's the thing the folks here think I should have your brain wiped they say your too uncontrollable but I think differently" Garrett chuckled "Hell when I heard about your escape attempts I knew I had to meet you." Garrett took out a file none of what Ward was seeing made sense this was exactly like when he first met his mentor but it was completely different "This is your ticket out of here new name new life just stick with me I even got a crew for you lined up. It's either this or your brain gets jacked up. What's it going to be?" Why was his heart pounding? Ward didn't know why but somehow this seemed more real than what he remembered to be real. Garrett leaned in and said "Say yes." Then Ward felt dizzy he stumbled and all recollection of this slowly faded like it was a distant dream.

Present Day…

Deadpool drifted in and out of consciousness as he woke to Fitz screaming it seemed they had crashed "Yeah of course we crashed I was high as a kite remember? Also kids never EVER drive under the influence! Seriously my bone is sticking out my knee! Oh god I am so lucky to have healing factor!"

"We're going to die!" Fitz screamed "Oh god I'm going to die with a lunatic." He sobbed.

Deadpool moved slowly climbing out of the car as he did his mind was flooded with images of being a kid and arguing with a girl named Jessie in the back seat the next thing he saw was the crash "Crud I hate bad flash backs."

"Please god get me out of here!"

"Oh relax Fitz!" Deadpool without thinking pulled Fitz out "Seriously! I wish you readers could see this he has shit and pissed himself!"

"Who are you talking to Ward!" Fitz was panicked he didn't know how Ward could possibly be alive.

"Well Fitz the answer to your question is I regenerated from a few stray cells blow on off of Hive usually my entire body would have regenerated but Hive being inside which to be frank sounds really kinky when I say it like that any way his possession made it impossible for me to regenerate so my cells the ones containing my healing factor and still alive after being blown off of Hive regenerated into well my new body. Ironically for reasons I don't fully understand my real memories came flooding back and I went bat shit crazy."

Fitz's mouth dropped open after hearing Deadpool's explanation "You have lost your god damn mind Ward."

"Well duh! Where have you been? I've only been explaining this shit repeatedly! Well the right has. Look Fitz I get it. You hate me for dropping you into the ocean but I quite literally was not myself when that happened. The truth is for very important reasons I need to do this for you and Fitz you may not get why I am doing it but you will thank me for this I am your friend even if you are not mine and there are things going on you can never know things you are just better off not knowing." Deadpool quickly pulled out a stun gun and shot Fitz he caught Fitz before he hit the ground "This hard to believe Leo, I know in light of what's happening right now and everything we've been through but I do care about you and if you knew what I know you' thank me for this who knows maybe one day you'll thank me." Deadpool flashed back to when he was Grant Ward to that moment of Daisy back when was Skye on the bus screaming "It wasn't personal?!" That moment and those words were burned into his soul and he never wanted to see that look on anyone else ever again that look of pain, despair and utter betrayal was too much for anyone to live with and he had a life time of looks like that more than he cared to count.

"Oh Jesus you're going with the tragedy behind the humor route aren't you?" He asked me as he threw Fitz over his shoulder and walked down the high way "Don't worry buddy we just need to catch a flight to New York and then another flight straight to Las Vegas and there we will party like there is no tomorrow nothing can possibly go wrong."

Elsewhere…

Kilgrave looked down at the model of New York city he'd been contracted for a job by Weapon X and knew better than to refuse "Not going to lie Mr. Essex I have my doubts about this plan. Why do we even need Deadpool at this point?"

"I prefer Mr. Sinister, Zebediah." He replied with a smirk and it's not the program that wants Deadpool but our client. His healing factor is vital to them for their plan to work. As you might expect our employers plan is strictly need to know. Creed will be running point in the field while you advise from the sidelines.

Kilgrave glared at his boss he hated people calling him that name but Sinister was easily the most frightening person he'd ever met. Also with Mr. Sinister dressed in that black and red outfit combined with his unnatural appearance just about anyone would get the creeps so Kilgrave knew better than to piss the man off especially since Sinister was immune to his power and was close to invincible. "Like old times then I see."

"Not exactly We'll be using some local talent. Also our employer wants his representative Viper to be kept up to date on the status of our progress in capturing this city and Wilson. These are the local talent you'll working with. I also invited some outside help." Sinister explained handing Kilgrave a file.

Kilgrave's mouth dropped when he read the files "Holy shit you sure the city will still be standing when we're done these are some heavy hitters."

"It's of no concern to us what happens to this city only that we capture Deadpool alive. Make no mistake Viper wants him alive for her superior and it's our job to deliver. This will be Deadpool's final hour."


End file.
